recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
