there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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