Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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