I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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