mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
It's not a walk of shame if you run
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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