ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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