New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
