We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
You need a sexual gate keeper
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
