toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
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