She is in my trunk
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
