I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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