He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
