i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
