I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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