She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
