My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
