How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
