Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
