Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
