What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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