Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Can I color on your dick again?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
