Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
