Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
You don't make any sense
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