I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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