I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
