she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
