I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
How does it feel to date your dad?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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