I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
