Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize