I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
