i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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