that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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