Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
