Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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