i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
