I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
