I didn't shave. On purpose
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
