When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
foreskin is a definite game changer
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
