Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
