Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
