My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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