paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize