why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
