I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
