she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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