My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
