all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
