Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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