the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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