Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
