She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Girls should come with a carfax report
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
