there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
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