I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
