you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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