My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
