ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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