Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
