yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
