i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
